Today I have received a communication from a highly intelligent person. When I say “a communication”, I mean a bajillion communications. It really would’ve been much easier if I had just taken the first phone call, but I don’t usually answer when it’s someone I don’t know. Especially if the stranger’s caller ID is something weird … like “Computer Programmer”.
So I just used the call divert function on my phone. That was basically a death sentence for any peace and quiet I had expected for the rest of the morning. The guy then decided to contact me through e-mail, text messages, radio transmissions, television, skywriting, advertisements, and all sorts of crazy things (most of which I can’t remember). He even edited a Kindle book I was reading — while I was reading it, just to try and get a message to me!
You’d think I would at least consider reading his message, but I was kind of annoyed at him right then, so I just decided to be stubborn and ignore him. He finally installed a program on my computer which wouldn’t let it turn on until it had played a recording from him and made sure I had listened to it. Of course, I just had to run around in circles screaming, “La la la, I’m not listening!” That might actually have worked, but then, to turn on my computer I had to first complete a test that checked whether or not I had listened to the recording. I got every question wrong, so it played it over again. I wanted to use my computer, so I gave in and just listened to it. Here it is in full:
I am only bothering you for your own good. Please listen to this recording. I have spent quite a lot of time and effort trying to contact you about this urgent matter. Please listen!
I am the creator of the Aether-Net, which your friend, Dr. Garlic, is now trapped inside. Are you listening yet? I am, by now, fairly certain that there is only one way to stop the MCP and save your friend. The Aether-Net originally took up only a few square feet in the middle of the wilderness, but it has since acquired much more hardware. In fact, the Aether-Net now spans several hundred acres and is comprised of a vast network of superior machines working for the tyrannical Master Control Program.
I am to blame for the MCP’s doings. Not that I am controlling the evil program; far from it. In short, I built this cool little setup of networked computers for my fourth-grade science project. The day before the science fair I was out of money, but needed a few more programs to get the system able to control all its awesome parts. So I taught it to steal. I deeply regret this and hope you and Dr. Garlic will forgive me. Anyway, while the MCP was stealing the programs it needed, it downloaded a virus disguised as a hardware driver and installed it on my Aether-Net, as I called it. Worse, I had given the system some solar panels (to keep it well-powered) and booby traps (to discourage thieves from stealing parts); I gave control of those traps over to the Master Control Program. The next time I tried to pay a visit to the Aether-Net, I nearly got blown to bits; it served me right for stealing, though.
You see, I had programmed the system in such a way that there was a personality database which all programs could draw from in order to react to user input according to a certain personality. Some were cheerful, some were hungry, and some were waaay too talkative. The virus changed the personality file that the MCP used, causing it to become a vile overlord, instead of the friendly and efficient organizer I had originally programmed it to be.
Fortunately for your friend Dr. Garlic, I’ve got a plan. It involves a lot of secret things which the MCP cannot find out about, and because I expect you’ll post this message on your blog, you’ll just have to contact me to find out what it is.
-The Computer Programmer
Oh, so I guess I better contact him! I almost forgot about that. 😳
Well, come back soon for more Suzanne September stuff and some updates on the Aether-Net situation! Thanks for reading!