Fortune Cookie Fortunes by Peter


Hello there! Today I’ll be demonstrating my many qualifications for working as a writer of fortunes found in (most) fortune cookies. (Maybe some don’t have fortunes? That would be odd…)

To get things started, here’s one I just made up:

A fortune is only as good as its cookie.

From that you might infer that people have been eating these fortune cookies for nothing. While that may be true, it has not yet been written in a fortune cookie fortune. It also does not rhyme (yet?).

I'm trying for a little more originality than this one.
I’m trying for a little more originality than this one.

In the spirit of the recent Chinese New Year:

There was an old woman who swallowed a horse–I don’t know why she swallowed a horse. She died, of course!

Okay, actually I don’t think that really has anything to do with Chinese New Year’s except that it involves a horse. But it does inform folks of the inherent danger of horse-swallowing!

Here’s a few more:

You will be visited at three o’clock tomorrow by an old woman who will give you a tarnished silver pocket watch. It is possible she will be up to four minutes late, depending on traffic.

Don’t dwell on the werewolf hiding in your closet. Even if he howls. You’ll fall asleep faster if you just convince yourself that such things simply do not exist, especially not in your closet.

I would not drink such things (your grape soda, specifically) if I were you.

The dodo is not yet extinct: One stands in the street across from your residence–save it now!

The button on your right sleeve will pop off in ten seconds. Wait for it. Wait… for… it… Now! Yay! It–it … didn’t fall off. That’s not supposed to happen. Maybe it was ten minutes instead? Check back in ten minutes.

Reply hazy, try again.

Sorry! You have to pay extra for a real fortune!

Yeah, I’d say my creative spark is running out…

Well, I’ll relate a quick anecdote about something awesome that happened today a couple weeks ago. (Still not getting posts done weekly, unfortunately. :-/ ) I was walking to the campus bus stop when suddenly I saw someone walking the other direction, wearing Google Glass.

I could not believe my good fortune (which is perhaps why I decided to write this post?), and immediately asked, “Hey, is that Google Glass?”

He responded with a friendly, “Sure is, bud!”

Being a responsible citizen, I did not beg him to let me try on Glass. I guess I was so shocked about actually seeing Glass in real life that I don’t remember what I said exactly, but it was something to the tune of, “That’s awesome!”

I know many have complained that Glass users are inconsiderate and rude, but this guy was anything but. Now, granted, this encounter lasted only a few seconds, but isn’t it these short, positive experiences with Glass that really count? It’s an interesting contrast between a different time when I had someone completely ignore me when I mentioned that he was awesome for using Ubuntu.

Anyway, those are the fortunes. Can you come up with any better ones? Ha! That was a trick question. Of course you can’t. My fortunes are awesome. If, however, you think of a pretty good one, make sure to post it in a comment! 😉

4 Comments on Fortune Cookie Fortunes by Peter

  1. Harry said:

    Flip this over. Learn your lucky numbers, and it will go well with you. (You should learn a Chinese word too if this fortune paper has one!)

  2. Julianne said:

    How’s this for a start?

    In exactly 3 years, 7 months, 2 days, and 89 minutes, you will have eaten a fortune cookie with a better fortune than this one.

    • Harry said:

      Maybe that one will come will tell me how many seconds!

  3. Joking Koala said:

    “Expect food poisoning from the meal, only get mild stomach bug.”

Comments are closed.