Part 1
Once upon a time, there was a one-thousand pound man who loved to eat his junk food. One day, however, there was no one to feed him. He was faced with a dilemma: he was unable to get up and get himself any food! He finally decided to buy an electric wheelchair, which arrived only minutes after he ordered it.
After paying the boy across the street to assemble it for him, he realized that he had another dilemma! He was not able to get himself into the chair!
He came up with a plan; "A very good plan," he said to himself. His plan was complex.
The first step in his plan was to buy a sledge hammer. Finding it difficult to even get out of his bed, he revised his plan and hired the boy across the street to buy it.
When the boy returned, he sent he boy to his shed to get a ladder. "Now," said the man, "go onto my roof," and explained to the boy the exact spot where he was to go. After the boy replied, "Okay," the man told him to take the sledge hammer with him, for, "You'll be needing to use that once you remove the shingles...".
In a few minutes, there was a hole in the man's bedroom ceiling. "Thank you, sonny," the man said as he paid the boy. "No problem, Mr. Henderson," the boy said as he skipped toward the front door.
When the boy left, the man (Mr. Henderson) said to himself, "Time for step two: Rent a crane!" and he picked up the phone...
Part 2
A few hours later, Mr. Henderson was lounging around, thinking about his ever-increasing pangs of hunger. He couldn't believe that he'd survived this long without eating anything!
Suddenly, Mr. Henderson's intercom beeped. "Quiet down, intercom! I'm waiting for the crane delivery people and I absolutely cannot afford to be interrupted." The intercom system, however, paid him no heed. It continued beeping until Mr. Henderson gave in and answered in a rather annoyed fashion, "What is it? Can't you see I'm busy waiting for my crane to arrive?"
"But sir," a voice replied, "I have your crane right -"
"Oh goody!" Mr. Henderson interrupted.
"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
"I -"
"Just park it on the front lawn, kid. And hurry up before, um ... before something bad happens."
The crane delivery man did as he was told and parked the crane on Mr. Henderson's unkempt jungle of a front lawn. Mr. Henderson's neighbors had tried for years to get him to mow the messy area, but he had always been too busy eating to get around to it.
His next-door neighbor became so fed up one day that he tried to just take care of the hideous mess himself. As might be expected, he was unsuccessful, for his Weed Destroyer severely angered Mr. Henderson's jungle. In its might and fury it rained down sharp rocks upon the invaders, injuring the man and ironically destroying the so-called "Weed Destroyer".
Unfortunately, the man was not a quitter. He continued on, riding in his giant lawn mower as if it were a battle wagon heading out to war, but he succeeded only in being sort of eaten by the jungle while still inside his lawn mower. Remarkably, he escaped with his life. The neighborhood community then decided Mr. Henderson's unruly yard was simply a fact of life, to be removed neither by kind words, nor by brute force.
Part 3
The poor employee of the crane company hobbled back to his delivery truck. Mr. Henderson's front yard had taken a dislike to the crane which had been so rudely parked upon it, and had taken out its wrath on the driver. The crane itself actually landed quite gently (well, relatively gently) in Mr. Henderson's much more mildly mannered back yard.
Unlike his front yard, Mr. Henderson's back yard was a rather nice place where he used to go for strolls in the midday moonlight. That is, before he decided to become the "hugest" person alive...
Seeing that the crane had arrived safely in his back yard, Mr. Henderson mentally checked off the second step in his plan. (Being unable to reach his notepad, Mr. Henderson was forced to write down his plan on his brain cells, if that were even possible.) He called up the boy across the street, and asked him whether he happened to have any time to spare at the moment.
The boy replied, "I dunno, Mr. Henderson, I have a lot of homework right now and -"
"Come on, Jimmy, homework's overrated. I hardly did a mite of homework in my life, and look how I turned out!"
A pause, then,
"Jimmy? You still there?"
"What? Oh, sure."
"I'll tell ya what: I'm kinda out of cash at the moment, but I can offer you ... let's see what we got here ... your weight in gummy bears! You can bring your little wagon around and pick it all up once you've finished operating my crane here."
"You want me to operate WHAT?"
"You won't regret this! Thanks, sonny!"
Well, Jimmy was coming over soon, but Mr. Henderson was starting to get really hungry.
Perhaps ... couldn't the mattress ... surely just a couple bites wouldn't hurt anything?
It was probably mostly fiber, anyway, right?
Luckily for Mr. Henderson, he was not forced to resort to such a poor source of nutrition, because the intercom beeped just then.
"Hey, are you going to open the door already? I've been standing here for five minutes now..."
"What?"
Had he been considering eating his mattress for that long?
"Um, just a second..."
Mr. Henderson pressed the "Open Door" button on his nifty control panel.
Jimmy entered and Mr. Henderson had him grab a couple walkie-talkies from a cabinet.
Mr. Henderson gave one to Jimmy, then sent him out back, saying,
"Now don't touch nothing up there without asking me first, understand?"
"Yes, sir! I mean ... no, sir. I mean ... I won't, Mr. Henderson. You can count on me!"